OT The Friday joke thread - place 'em here!

[Hairglamfan]

A guy owns a horse stud farm. One day a friend phones him up, "I've sent a dwarf with a speech impediment to see you. He wants to buy a horse" Sure enough the dwarf turns up. Dwarf asks "I want to buy a horth" The owner asks him "Do you want a male horse or a female horse?" The Dwarf replies "A female horth" The owner shows him a Mare. "Nithe Horth" says the Dwarf, "can I thee her eyth?" The owner picks up the Dwarf to show him the Horses eyes. "Nithe eyth" says the Dwarf "can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eeth. "Nithe teeth, can I see her eerths?" The Dwarf asks. By now the owner is getting a little fed up, but again picks up the Dwarf to show him the Horses ears. "Nithe eerth," he says "Can I thee her twot?" With this the owner picks up the Dwarf & shoves his head deep inside the horses victoria regina, holding him there for a second before pulling him out & putting down.

"Perhaps I should rephwase that" said the Dwarf, "can I see her wun awound?".

[A Katt Named Raggz]

LMFAO!!!...good one.

Okay this one is a bit lame but eh screw it...read it!


Fed up living in New York, A city man moves to the country in hopes of starting his own farm. After moving and getting things in the house and barn, he decided that he needed to get some farm animals.
One day while walking down the old dirt road....he sees a sign on the door....that says Chickens For Sale. The man excited, goes and knocks on the door, as an old man answers asking what he wanted. The city man tells him he saw his sign and says he needs a female chicken. The old man replies " Ah ya need a pulit?" The city man not knowing what the hell the old man is talking about says " Huh?" The old man says. " You need a pulit?...A pulit is a female chicken." The city man now knowing what it is agrees that he needs a pulit and buys one. He then asks the man if he has a rooster he can sell to him. The old man says , "oh you mean a cock?" The city man says. " What?!!!" In which the old man replies, " Sir, a cock is a rooster." "Ah yeah I need one of those". replies the man and gladly buys a cock.
Walking back home he takes a short cut and sees an old house with a man cutting wood. "Good evening Sir, I'm new down the road. I just moved here about 2 days ago." The man cutting wood says, " Ah, glad to have you around this neck of the woods, and I see you have some new items for your farm?" The city man replies." Oh yeah, I'm starting my farm that I've always wanted." The woodcutter says, " Look, I have an ass for sale would you like one?" The city man doesn't know what to say but. "Huh, An ass?!!!" The woodcutter says, " An ass is a donkey." "Ah!, yes I need one of those too" said the city man. "Ok" said the woodcutter, "But if he gets lazy and sits down, just scratch him on his back and he'll get right up." So while walking back home the c ity man sees a vegetable stand up ahead and tells himself he's going to buy some fresh vegetables and get some seeds to start his own garden. While walking to the stand the donkey sits down and doens't want to move. He tries and tries to move the donkey but can't seem to get him to budge. At that moment an old lady walks by....The city man with his hands full tells the lady, "Can you help me?" The old lady replies. " How can I help you?"
The city man wanting to please the lady that he knows about farms, asks. " Can you hold my cock and pulit while I scratch my ass?"

<font color="#FF0000" size="1">[ June 17, 2005 09:34 AM: Message edited by: A Katt Named Raggz ]</font>

[Hairglamfan]

Ha ha Raggz!

Here's another:

There's an Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.
The Englishman says: "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes! "

The Scotsman says: "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other days when I found a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank!"

With that the Irishman says: "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a penis!"

[baby_lemonade]

Only a Mexican Wife

Her sick Mexican husband was laying on his death bed.
He had only hours to live when he suddenly smelled tamales!
He dearly loved tamales more than anything else in the world, especially his querida Chita's tamales which were
known throughout Albuquerque, New Mexico as "Lo mejor de lo mejor!"(the of the best) .

With every last bit of energy left in his mind and body, the terminally ill husband pulled himself out of bed, dragged himself across the floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen.

Here, his wife was removing the fresh batch of tamales from the stove top. As he reached for one of the
freshly made tamales, his corazon Chita smacked him in the back of the head with a wooden spoon.

"Leave them alone, pendejo!", she yelled,
"...they're for the funeral!"

[A Katt Named Raggz]

LMFGDAO!!!!!!!...damn that mexican was hilarious.

And hairglam?....is an irish supposed to be like a redneck here?...ya know not all there in brain cells?

[Hairglamfan]

Marcus

When you hear a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman joke (or variants depending on what country you stay in) it depends on which nationality is telling the joke as to the punchline, ie we all slag each other off and jokes are a direct jab at the nationality.

EG: Scottish jab at English:

An Irish rugby fan, a Scottish rugby fan and an English fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden,
Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze,
they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could
be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each
of you one wish before your whipping."

The Irishman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only
lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Englishman was next up. After watching the Irishman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows
could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Englishmen was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The Scotsman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of
the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Scot replied. In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20 lashes but, 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And you're second wish, "Tie the Englishman to my back."


Raggz,

I expect there will be a backlash from my English friends and they will come up with a cracker against me but hey, thats the fun!

Let's not near the Welsh jokes as I fear Andii would be swamped with sheep jokes!!

[A Katt Named Raggz]

LMFAO!!!!...good one there Hairglam!

[A Katt Named Raggz]

There were three guys, an American, a Canadian, and a Mexican. They had been travelling for days and were very, hungry. They came across a farm that had hundreds of fruits. While they were eating, the farmer came out and caught them.
The farmer said, "Since I'm in a good mood today, I won't kill you... If you stuff 100 of your favorite fruit up your ass without laughing.
The American was up first. He chose cherries as his favorite fruit. He got up to 78 and burst out laghing. So the farmer shot him with a shotgun.
The Canadian was next and chose grapes. He got up to 92 but started laughing so the farmer killed him too.
When the Canadian and the American arrived up in heaven, an angel asked them why they laughed.
They both replied, "We saw the Mexican with watermelons."

[Hairglamfan]

Raggz - Texan and Irishman joke:

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?". The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first!

[baby_lemonade]

LMFAO - all these jokes are GREAT